This blog post is a bit different than previous ones; while this will serve as an informative post that will explore the grieving process and ways to cope and slowly heal after the loss of a furry family member, it will also serve as a healing device for the author, who has recently experienced the loss of their soul dog.

For many of us, whether it is a dog, cat, bird, or other critter, a pet is a family member. They are a part of our daily lives, they bring us joy as well as some frustrations from time to time, they know when we are down and need a mood boost, they can somehow understand that at times we were in need of a friend and they were there to help us. When we think of losing a family member, our minds may not automatically go to a pet, however when we lose a pet to old age, cancer, an accident, we never quite realize how profound an impact it will have on us until they are gone. I would like to utilize this space to explore the stages of grief and what it can look like going through those stages. Please keep in mind that everyone grieves differently and going through the stages of grief is not linear; sometimes we stay in one stage for a prolonged period of time, sometimes we experience multiple stages as we navigate the grieving process. This is all normal. And as painful as it can be, it is important to learn ways to cope and heal while we explore and sit with our feelings. As you read, I implore you to think back on fond memories, funny moments, times when your furry friend was there when you did not think you had anyone else. I want you to cherish these moments, particularly while you grieve, as these are the times when our spirits need lifting the most. These are the times when those memories, although sometimes painful, can prove to be healing and can remind us just how lucky we were to have had them for the time that we did.

In her book “On Death and Dying”, Swiss psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross explained the five-stage model that she developed to help us better understand the process of grieving. These five stages consist of: denial, anger, depression, bargaining, and acceptance. When we experience loss, we go through each of these five stages in no particular order. We also may find ourselves lingering in one stage for a little bit, or we may find that we have circled back to a stage that we were already in. There is no “right” way to process grief, nor is processing grief linear. We all navigate our experiences and our feelings in our own unique ways. Let’s take a look at these stags in more detail.

One stage of grief is denial, for many people, this is the first stage they enter after experiencing loss. This stage can act as a defense mechanism to numb you to the events taking place until you are ready to navigate the emotions that will inevitably come flooding forward. This stage of the grieving process can consist of not believing the loss has occurred, fantasizing that you will see your loved one later on, maybe convincing yourself that there has been some sort of mistake. Denial is a temporary response to grief that allows us time to understand what has happened. I remember sitting outside the vet clinic, laying in the grass next to my girl after she was gone. I was beside myself, but something came over me and I said “ok, we can wake her up now, it’s time to go home”. That temporary response provided a buffer, if you will, until I had the mental bandwidth to understand that she was in fact gone. At that moment I could not believe that she had passed, and soon enough I would enter into another stage in the grieving process.

Bargaining is a stage in the Kübler-Ross model that helps us hold on to hope that we will be reunited with our beloved friend. This stage can look like negotiations being made; for many, I think it is fair to say that we would give anything to have our pet back. During this stage we may experience “what ifs”, “if onlys”, or experience intense feelings of guilt. It is also not uncommon to look for ways to regain control in an otherwise challenging and “out of control” situation. The bargaining stage of grief may be extremely painful, however this stage can provide healing as we confront the event that has unfolded. The first night without her, I curled up in my bed with her collar around my arm and her blanket wrapped around me. “I could have done more” was all I kept repeating to myself. I was convinced that if I had just taken her to the vet sooner, or if I had just gotten a third clinical opinion, or if I had just gone through with that third surgery that she would have been ok. I just wanted her to come home, and as I write this, 3 months to the day later, I still want her to come home.

Moving on to another stage in the grieving process, we come to the anger stage. This is a complex stage when we are grieving the loss of a pet. Anger can look very different for everyone, but I will discuss some more common ways anger presents itself as we grieve. The simplest way to describe the anger stage is that it is a mask: it is how we hide the feelings and the pain that we are experiencing. More times than not, someone in this stage is not outright rageful, anger while grieving more commonly looks like resentment, redirected feelings, and being angry at life itself. Underneath our anger is pain, hurt, sadness, all very normal and incredibly valid ways to feel after losing a pet. As people start to come out of this stage, that is when we can see more rationally and clearly the emotions that we had been avoiding and pushing aside. I remember being so mad at everyone who tried to console me, I did not want to hear “I’m sorry for your loss”, “she was such an amazing dog”, or my least favorite: “she’s always watching over you”. I hated all of it and all I wanted to do was scream at the top of my lungs until I could not scream anymore. Eventually I allowed myself to feel the sadness and the pain and all the intense emotions I was covering up by being angry at the world.

When we think of depression, we think of clinical symptoms, going to see a therapist, isolating ourselves from others, however Kübler-Ross defines the depression stage of grief as “empty feelings [that] present themselves, and [the] grief enters our lives on a deeper level… This depressive stage feels as though it will last forever…It is the appropriate response to a great loss”. During this stage people start to face their reality, the emotions that have been pushed aside begin to creep forward, most commonly in the form of sadness, despair, and feeling confused or foggy. As is the case with clinical depression, you may start to experience more well-known symptoms of depression such as fatigue, loss of motivation, and distraction. There are many people who get stuck in this stage, that is where seeking mental health assistance can be beneficial. Sometimes we are so lost in our own feelings that we cannot navigate through the depression stage on our own. As the days kept on going, I realized she was not coming home. I recognized I was so lost in my own head and in my feelings that I was forgetting to care for myself and those around me. I was struggling at work, I was struggling at home, I was struggling to care for my other dog, who I could tell was missing his best friend as much as I was. I felt so emotionally exhausted and lost without my dog. I find myself, to this day, bouncing back to this stage frequently.

The fifth stage of the Kübler-Ross model is acceptance. This is arguably the most challenging stage in all of the stages of grief because it is not necessarily about being ok, or accepting that you have moved on. Acceptance is more so about acknowledging the loss you have experienced, as well as learning how to adjust to the changes that you have gone through. This stage is where we tend to see people move back into other stages in the grieving process; there are times you can accept the loss of your pet, and there are other times where you feel anger again, or ask yourself “what if” again. This is a very normal and very valid experience to go through. As time goes on, you will find that you may sit in the stage of acceptance for longer and longer periods of time. This is something that comes with time, patience, and the ability to sit with and acknowledge your emotions as they come up. Give yourself some grace if you find yourself going back and forth between acceptance and another stage. I find myself in this stage, and teetering on bargaining, as I type this. I know she is gone. She was tired, I could see it in her eyes and her body language. She was telling me it was time to go. I had close to 13 incredible years with her and I would not trade any of that for anything in this world. I would love to have one more couch cuddle, I would love to hear her beg for food once more, I would love to watch her and my other dog play keep away with her favorite lamb chop toy, but I know these are memories now. I know she is at peace, and I am grateful for every moment I had with her.

While we are grieving, we need to be able to cope with or navigate through the emotions that come up. For some of us this may look like utilization of coping skills like breathing exercises, mindfulness practices, or journaling. For others, coping looks a bit more complex. When we experience loss, we tend to think of the last time we saw our loved one; maybe this was when they were the most unwell, or maybe your dog or cat just was not acting like their normal self. Try not to ruminate on their final moments. These can cause us to sit in a grief stage for prolonged periods of time and feel stuck. Instead of dwelling, try to focus on the moments you got to spend with your furry family member: remember the laughs, the silliness, the moments that put a genuinely big smile on your face. Acknowledging your emotions is also very important as you move further into processing the loss of your pet. It can be so simple for us to push intense emotions aside so we do not have to deal with them, however this leads to further pain and can prolong the grief you are experiencing. Memorializing your pet in the form of spreading their ashes, commissioning a painting or having a piece of jewelry made, creating a memory box, or designating a place in your home for their ashes & photos can be a very helpful way to cope with the loss of a pet. Finally, asking for help when you need it is always a great way to cope with loss and process grief. Whether that support is a family member, a friend, a therapist, or a support group, you can always find someone who is willing to sit and be present with you as you process your emotions.

“To us, our pets are only a small part of our life. But to them, we are their whole life.” I cannot remember where I heard or read this quote but ever since I lost my dog it has resonated with me. She was such a huge part of my life and I do not think she quite understood how much of an impact she had on me in those almost 13 years. For her, I was her family, her safe space, her dog mom. We never realize the profound impact our pets have on us until they are gone. At that time, we can think back and reminisce on all the amazing moments we had together and we can remember that although cliche, they will always be keeping an eye on us from the other side of the rainbow bridge.

If you are grieving the loss of a pet, the following links provide free online support:

https://www.gatewayservicesinc.com/pet-compassion-careline
https://www.lapoflove.com/our-services/pet-loss-support
https://www.aplb.org